65 Hilarious Love Quotes and Marriage Advice Your Wedding Speech Needs

Everyone knows love and laughter are essential ingredients for a happy, lasting marriage. While weddings are undoubtedly about the profound love shared between two people, they're also an opportunity to inject a healthy dose of humor into the proceedings. That's where our funny love and marriage quotes come in. They have the power to transform an ordinary wedding speech into an unforgettable, side-splitting affair.

Whether you're the best man trying to add some levity to your toast or the bride and groom seeking to infuse your vows with a touch of whimsy, these 65 funny love and marriage quotes will not only tickle your audience's funny bone but also warm their hearts. After all, as they say,

"A wedding without laughter is like a cake without frosting."

So, let's dive into this treasure trove of wit and wisdom! Each quote is a testament to the fact that love can be both profound and profoundly hilarious. Whether you're a seasoned public speaker or a nervous first-time toastmaster, these quotes are sure to bring smiles and chuckles to your wedding audience, reminding everyone that while love may be serious business, it's also full of delightful surprises.

 65 Love and Marriage Quote Gems to Elevate Your Wedding Toast

1. “Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld

2. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” – Carroll Bryant

3. “As Bill and Ted said, ‘Be excellent to each other.’“

4. “Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. You guys must be truly insane or MADLY in love.”

5. "Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener." - Pauline Thomason

6. "The key to a successful marriage is to keep the fights clean and the sex dirty." - Unknown

7. "[Bride], if you were dying to cook for someone your whole life, you could have just come to me. But anyway, wish you a happy married life ahead babe!"

8. "Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together – problems that never existed before you married. But since you’ve picked your problems, let’s celebrate. Cheers!"

9. "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

10. "Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade." - Unknown

11. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they're too old to do it." - Ann Bancroft

12. "Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy." - Gary Busey

13. "Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops." - Unknown

14. "A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." - André Maurois

15. "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband!" - Unknown

16. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

17. "A good marriage is like a casserole—only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown

18. "Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one." - Unknown

19. "Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." - Unknown

20. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

21. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell

22. "A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Unknown

23. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman

24. “Make sure you have date night even if it's once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep." - Chris Hemsworth

25. "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me." - Winston Churchill

26. "Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but if you hold on tight, it can be a thrilling ride." - Unknown

27. "In marriage, it's the little things that really matter. Like who gets the last piece of pizza." - Unknown

28. "Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore." - Unknown

29. "Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." - G.K. Chesterton

30. "To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." - Ogden Nash

31. "Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Ogden Nash

32. "Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly

33. "A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late." - Frank Sinatra

34. "Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valéry

35. "The only person in the world – your partner who tolerates your annoying relatives, smells your morning breath, sees your worst version and your bad habits, but still loves you. Don’t ever lose [him/her]. Wishing you the best married life."
36. "Congratulations and best of luck on continuing to ignore the little annoying things."

37. "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

38. "Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out." - French Proverb

39. "I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status." - Unknown

40. "Congratulations. You can look forward to everyone asking "when are you going to get married" to stop and "when is the baby due" taking its place."
41. "I hope you enjoy the circus of this lifetime and make sure to squeeze the fun out of it. Stay in love, stay married. Also - remember to scream whenever it is needed. Love you, tons."
42. "I knew I was going to have an awesome time attending your wedding because I am reminded of all the money I am saving by not getting married. Congratulations my best friend!"

43. "A marriage is a union of two good forgivers." - Ruth Bell Graham

44. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” — Mae West

45. "Marriage is like a fine wine; if tended to properly, it only gets better with age." - Unknown

46. “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg

47. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito

48. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Kathy Mohnke

49. "Before you marry someone, try to imagine them 10 years in the future, when they're yelling at the kids to clean up their room." - Unknown

50. "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

51. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard

52. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

53. “Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will be mad at each other as well.” — Unknown

54. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” – Albert Einstein

55. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers

56. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

57. “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

58. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

59. “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” – Doug Larson

60. “Marriage is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend, every single night of the week.” – Christie Cook

61. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr

62. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” — Chip Gaines

63. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

64. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” — George Bernard Shaw
65. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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